Thursday, March 7, 2013

My body: the world's most effective progress and success sink hole.

Ok so I've been such a slug I can't stand it anymore.  Granted I've been helped in my sluggish ways by a new and improved bout of hypoglycemic episodes.  Although now I'm being referred to a neurologist so maybe it's not even hypoglycemia, maybe I have some weird seizure thing or something.  I've already been asked, most likely in a joking manner, if they think I might have a brain tumor. ;D  As of yet, I'm not jumping to that conclusion so no one freak out cuz if you do I'll just get paranoid and run around with a self diagnosed brain tumor and I'll probably croke from stress. :D

For the past week I've left my house only once, I've barely gotten out of bed and i think I've showered once; twice if the people I'm living with are really lucky.  I won't lie and say I haven't been battling some serious nasty thoughts and waves of major self pity and depression.  I've even asked out loud if it's all worth it any more.  Even going so far as to praying or God to just end it already.  Saying I'm tired and done can't I just close my eyes and never open them again?  Super dramatic and obnoxious now that I look back on it but I won't lie and say I wasn't in that place.

Why was I in that place?  I'm not sure exactly, all I know is I just felt like why try to change in life when life seemed so damned determined to make sure that never happened.  I went over six months without an incident and then BAM! one month after my lap band, the best life changing, life giving decision I'd ever made and these symptoms come back with a vengeance and don't let up.  Fainting, dizziness, shaking, nausea, confusion; you name it I've experienced it.  I take two weeks off to try and get it under control and nothing, not a freaking sign that these symptoms ever happened.  Three days back at work and BAM! paramedics are called to work, AGAIN, and I'm that chick.  The one at work that everyone whispers about and feels sorry for, or you know says she's brought it on herself and resents her for always missing work and they have to pick up her slack and frankly I wouldn't blame them if that really is what they think.  I'm so mad I can hardly see straight and I want to scream and hit stuff and cry and it all just really sucks.

However instead of screaming and crying and hitting I'm lying in my bed, that hasn't been made in weeks, blindly reading books I've read a hundred times, or sitting at my computer playing hours of mind numbing games or watching movies; anything to keep me from actually dealing with whatever is going on.  I had my last episode last Thursday and to this day I can't shake the dizziness.  I'm pissed and not very hopeful that this neurologist will find anything wrong.  He'll say what everyone else has said; that my test results are perfectly normal and nothing is wrong with me.  This begs the question: are they right?  Is there really nothing wrong with me.  Is this another one of my attempts at self sabotage.  Is a person capable of throwing themselves into near syncopal episodes whenever they're starting to make progress and set themselves back 20 paces?  By the way a syncopal or near syncopal episode, from my understanding, is a fancy way of saying fainting or near fainting - at least, that's what I think when so many doctors throw that phrase around when referring to me saying I kinda passed out but not really cuz I could hear voices and feel things but couldn't always tell what was being said and couldn't respond.  I know I should look this stuff up but at this point if a freaking doctor can't figure out what's wrong, then me and Web M.D. have no chance.

Due to my delightful condition - weather real or... what?... no imagined cuz I mean it is happening but... maybe... brought on subconsciously... somehow - by myself, I have missed three classes, one lab, and an entire week of work.  I don't work out, I don't eat unless starving and then it's crap like pizza or something like that.  I've completely given up on my band and helping it out and going through this process.  I have a check-in tomorrow and I'm considering changing the appointment because I just don't want to go in and see the same number from last time and the time before.  I feel ashamed and like a bad person.  I'm not exactly sure why, but I do.

Oh and, PS  my sleep study results came back and guess what? Up you guessed it, the results were normal.  My blood sugars, pressures, tests and blah blah blah blah blah are all so NORMAL! God I've never hated that word more in my entire life!  Ok I'm getting way too worked up.  I'm starting to misspell my words and mess up my grammar and though not a new thing for me, the overwhelming urge to beat the ever loving stuffing out of my keyboard is so I'm gonna go drink some water and sit in my bed and seethe... good freaking night.

1 comment:

  1. That has to be SO freaking hard. Personally, I don't think someone can do that to their health unless they want to. The subconcious is sneaky, but she's not a bitch like that! (pardon my French!). I know you want to get better, I mean who wouldn't? Praying for some answers for you! Sorry you are going through this.